becoming an internal seeker
‘Changing my business name was a spiritual experience for me. It required me to go on a journey of becoming an internal seeker. The new website (start here if you haven’t seen it yet!) and new brand were the final, external manifestation of years of rewiring my mind and body to a deeply internal loving of myself (ongoing, always of course) and a radical realignment with my own inner knowing.
This re-brand felt like an energetic reclaiming of my vision and my truth. Because 2 years ago when I decided to start my own life coaching business, I hadn’t ever done anything like it before, and that fact seemed to switch on an auto-pilot of very loud thoughts that resulted in me searching for all the answers outside of myself. I wanted someone else to show me how to do it. I wanted the short cuts that others had learned. I wanted them to tell me how to run my business. I didn’t believe that I knew.
This kind of external seeking happens in all different areas of life. I see it with myself and my clients all the time. And no wonder! I’m guessing that you, like me, weren’t taught from a young age how to find your own answers or how to communicate internally with yourself. As far as I’m concerned, becoming an internal seeker rather than an external one is a crucial skill that is required to experience a whole and well-rounded, beautiful and real human life.
The experience of not fully trusting ourselves is often subtle. We may feel resolute in our own truths about certain life choices, and because of that, we find it hard to see the places where we give our power away. That’s certainly how it’s been for me. I’m clear on many things in my life, including opinions and beliefs that I hold deeply, so when I feel like I ‘don’t know’ the answer to something, I REALLY believe that that’s true.
I’m already familiar of the feeling of knowing in my body, which makes it easier for my mind to differentiate the feeling of not knowing. The feeling of not knowing creates a kind of toxic chemistry which, whilst breaking down our own confidence and self esteem, also creates a grasping kind of feeling of need within us. Need for someone else to make things clear. Or a need to be told the answers. It also seems to create an urgency within us for these things too.
Overcoming this human challenge and becoming an internal seeker is not an easy thing. Even though it’s painful to live in a world of searching for external answers, it’s also comfortable and familiar and it provides a safety blanket of security. Choosing to actively reject this way of being has been both difficult and empowering, as with most experiences on a spiritual path.
The mess in transformation…
Becoming an internal seeker started with tuning out the noise of the world more drastically. I had already stopped watching the news, buying newspapers and had massively reduced my consumption of terrestrial TV years before, opting for hand picked viewing, ad-free on Netflix instead, during the first wave of spiritual awakening that swept through me.
This time, it asked a new level of me. I started unsubscribing from all of the emails I’d signed up to. I cut the number of accounts I was following online by at least 70% and muted most of the others. I stopped watching webinars about business methods and I disconnected myself from any source that felt like it was giving me advice or suggestions about how I should be doing things.
Anything that felt like it would sway my own perception or thoughts about my business – had to go. It was brutal.
For the first 3-4 months I felt like a ship without an anchor. Directionless drifting in a vast ocean with no map, no compass and no plan.
I believe there are times when an old belief can dissolve and be replaced by a healthier one in an instant. I know that’s possible because I’ve seen it happen for myself and for the women who choose to work with me many times. But this wasn’t one of those times. This was a long and difficult stretch of time and I felt unprepared for it. Nobody really talks about how doing this work can sometimes feel like you’re in no mans land.
There’s that liminal space between where you’ve been and where you’re going that can stretch out for long periods before the breakthroughs really drop down to rest permanently in your being.
Throughout the experience of transistioning from external seeker to inetrnal seeker, I often found myself slipping back into the old ways and I’d ‘wake up’ 15 minutes into a webinar about business stuff without really remembering how I’d got there. Or I’d reach out to my own coach with a deep, underlying desire for her to just tell me the answer (of course she guided me back to myself every time – god bless good coaches – thank you Sammie).
The new ways were not fully rooted in my being and that meant some unconscious slips back into the old. I think this happened because of my mind’s unsettled response to being in the liminal space. If I wasn’t ready to fully go forward, I’d have to go backward, as being in the middle felt even scarier to my mind.
Reaching a new state…
I now feel like I’m 95% through the process of becoming an internal seeker. My website copy is literally the truth – no fancy formats, no special formula that someone else suggested is good for ‘conversion’. My captions on instagram are the same. They flow through me like currents of inspiration that catch me by surprise most of the time. I work a lot less than before, with a life focus centred on rest and fully looking after myself.
I’ve had to prove to myself that when I do this, I create a state in which I am available to receive reams of incredible information in very short spaces of time. The deep knowing that I was craving all along and frantically searching for externally often hits me at unexpected moments, like a recent Sunday night when an almost fully formed vision of a future business offering flowed through me in a flash after 3 days of lounging around in the sun at my Mum’s house, eating well and getting lots of sleep.
Reaching these upleveled states can be really hard, messy and challenging at the time. So often we’re told the fairytale versions of transformation, neatly excluding the absolute cracking open that happened multiple times. Side stepping the ‘failures’ on our way through and the bits where we returned to our old ways multiple times out of habit before we really ‘get it’ are often glossed over. For me, creating new ways of being takes time, effort and devotion. This is NOT the easiest way to live, but I know for sure I couldn’t do life any other way.
My intention in sharing this experience with you is for you to remember my story when you’re in the middle of your own shape-shifting transformation. When you’re in the messy, crying on the floor, soul-howling depths – remember this:
You’re fucking DOING IT – and that is what matters. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even if sometimes you’ve taken 10 back the day before. You’re not failing, you’re GROWING. Look after yourself in the process and get support if you need it.
And you might think that of course a coach would say this, but I make a point of only ever telling you the truth, which is: I don’t believe I could’ve done this, in the time frame I’ve done it, without the unending and ever present support of my coach reminding me of the path I’m walking and often nudging me back in the right direction. Get that, if you need it. You’re worthy of that.
I hope this share from my heart reaches yours at the exact moment you need it, and I trust that that will be.
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